Larry’s Losers in the SEC – 2014 Week One

By: Larry Burton

Well fans, it seems like years since we were all here together to lament the losers that line this list and Bacardi the Wonder Dog and I are rested, relaxed and ready to relay the realities regarding the royalty and rogues of the SEC once again. It’s so exciting to be back with you once again with footballs filling the fall air and fans filling the stadiums and partying around the televisions with their buddies.

Last season saw us hit a low point after several years in the 90%+ range for many years, Auburn and Missouri both bolted into the blue and nobody saw that coming.

So this season is about seeing the unseeable and picking the teams that might seem like strugglers, then and only then can we hit the heights and say “Hallelujah for the heyday!” once again.

Starting in East

Idaho at Florida – The Vandals are coming down to Ben Hill Griffin Stadium, known as the swamp and hope to come in and grab these Gators by tail and grab an upset win before these mud lizards work out all the kinks.

But Muschamp knows if that happens to these mud puppies, he may not make the season’s end before his hot seat erupts into full blown flame, so he’s not gonna be caught off guard with these Gators.

Therefore, it’s gonna be a long day in the sun without a lot of fun for these less that iconic Idaho footballers. They say games like this can be measuring sticks to see where your program is, but all Idaho is going to learn is having that stick beat on your head day isn’t fun.

Larry’s Loser – Idaho

Clemson at Georgia – Mark’s Mutts and Dabo’s Tabbies both have a feeling that good things can happen for them this season but only one of these teams will leave still feeling good about their chances with the man in the stripped shirt blows the whistle for the final time in that contest.

Both these are powerful teams which seem to always have a disappointment pop up every season that sort of messes up the menu for a particularly good post season party and this game could be just that dastardly detriment for this season.

While both teams are powerful, Clemson’s had a little more water drain from the talent pool than Georgia did last season and while the game could be close for a while, SEC muscle will beat out ACC hustle and when it matters late in the fourth quarter, the muscle pulls away with the win.

Larry’s Loser – Clemson

UT Martin at Kentucky – The Skyhawks from UT Martin fly over the bluegrass state and hope to leave the Kentucky Mildcats feeling blue over a first game loss. But the Kitty’s coach Mark ain’t gonna stoop to the level of losing to these back wood birdies and and these Kentucky Cats should be able to finish these feather heads in good fashion.

Kentucky won’t have many moments to cheer for once they get into the SEC schedule, but at least this week the fans can tailgate and party both before and after the game and that won’t happen much this season.

Enjoying it while they can, Larry’s Loser – UT

South Dakota State at Missouri – In another game of haves versus the have nots, the Jackrabbits of South Dakota State hop on down to be massacred the Missourians. These hapless hares are gonna find this trip ain’t like Peter Rabbit hoppin’ down the bunny trail when these Midwest marauders mangle these flop eared footballers.

Coach Gary Pinkel is having to reshuffle a lot of the deck in Missouri this year, but he don’t have to worry about coming up with the perfect hand for this game as his felines will feast on these funny bunnies in this first game and maybe give them rabbit’s feet they can rub for good luck for the rest of the season.

In a game that should be a blowout, Larry’s Loser – South Dakota State

Texas A&M at South Carolina – In one of the other meaningful games of the weekend, the agricultural architects from Texas come to the Carolinas in hopes of raiding the chicken house and showing the SEC that there’s life after Johnny Football signer.

But the Old Ball Coach ain’t about to let these Aggies come in pluck up his season so soon and pummel his pullets without a pounding. This is the season where these Carolina Cluckers aim to set their claim on a trip to Atlanta and they’re not letting these Texans tiptoe into their henhouse and steal even one egg from the nest.

In a game that will show just how far these Aggies need to go to get rebuilt after heavy losses, one team will be picking up the pace while the other will be picking up the pieces and you can count on a barnyard with few feathers on the ground after this contest. Larry’s Loser – Texas A&M

Utah State at Tennessee – We got more Aggies to talk about as the ones from Utah State travel to Tennessee to vacation with the Vols on a rare Sunday night game on the new SEC network and this one could be entertaining.

These boys from the Tennessee hill country have been volunteering for some serious butt kickings over the last few seasons and while they have had their moments, they just can’t seem to keep it going for very long.

Now Utah State is one of those scrappy little underdog teams that ain’t afraid to contest with the kids of any conference and the loud crowd in Neyland Stadium won’t awe these Aggies and it should be entertaining until the SEC depth and muscle finally wins out over the little team that could. Larry’s Loser – Utah State

Temple at Vanderbilt – Just to show you that stereotypes aren’t always the truth, Temple will prove that not all Owls are wise when they fly into Nashville to take on those song city sailors of the SEC.

Now these Commodores are setting sail this season with a new skipper in charge and they are hoping that this first cruise will set the course for continued carnage of their foes and not wind up like Gilligan and get marooned like they used to be in years past.

But there’s little worry of that happening in this contest as these sailors will prove to be able body seamen enough to leave these unwise Owls all plucked up after this contest. Larry’s Loser – Temple

Now, On to the West

Alabama vs West Virginia – Both teams take a trip to Hotlanta in what’s supposed to be a neutral site for a mid-afternoon melee but the pigskin pickin’ pooch and I are sure that they’ll be a lot more Crimson clad in the stands than maniac Mountaineers.

While both these teams left the end of last season with a good deal of oopsies, the Mountaineers definitely have a lot more mountain to climb to get back to the top than the Tide.

Alabama’s Nick Saban somehow has his boys in the mindset of poor little underdogs this season to keep them from the complacency problems they seemed to have had last year, but after the thrashing that they’ll give these poor hillbillies, it’ll get harder each week for Saban to convince them that they’re not the creme of the SEC crop. Larry’s Loser – West Virginia

Arkansas at Auburn – The pitiful pigs from last season would love to come down to the plains at Auburn and trip up these Tigers before they get their offense rolling.

But the Gus Bus has it’s switch on cruise control and they’ll simply run over these swine with hardly a bump or a thump and these Tigers will show why they were indeed worthy kings of the mountain last season in the SEC.

In the SEC, you’re the champion until somebody is able to knock the crown off you’re head and take it from you and the Tigers will prove to the world that this is one pussycat that won’t play dead for anybody and if you take the crown from them, you’re going to have the scratches to prove you were in a cat fight. Larry’s Loser –  Arkansas

LSU vs Wisconsin – Another neutral site matchup, this one in Houston, Texas, finds the Bayou Bengals of Les Miles waging war against Wisconsin, but you can bet the bank that they’ll be more a lot more feline fans in the stands that Badger butts on the benches.

LSU may be in a rebuilding mode, but when you recruit like Les Miles does, it’s much more reloading than rebuilding and though the Vegas boys see this one as a close hard fought game, the pigskin picking pug and I both see this a game where the Cajun Kitties show the world that you’d better not count them out too quickly this season just because of so many Tigers left the den.

So instead of a nail biting game, these Tigers are going to claw these Badgers up one side and down the other and leave the rest of the SEC saying, “Uh oh!” all over again. Larry’s Loser – Wisconsin

Southern Miss at Mississippi State – In the first contest that will decide the marquee man of Mississippi, the Golden Eagles fly over to Starkvegas to try and bully the Bulldogs and leave with an upset win.

But Dan Mullen’s doggies aren’t about to let these poor cousins come in put their pooch pen in a pitiful place with an upset win by a upstart nobody.

This one will get ugly early and feathers will be flying all night long and the only good news for the Eagles will be that the final whistle won’t blow soon enough to stop the carnage. Larry’s Loser – Southern Miss

 Ole Miss vs Boise State – Hotlanta hosts two SEC tussles this week in a neutral site as the Bronco boys from Boise gallop into town and hope to prove to be the upset team they usually are in these kinds of games.

But coach Hugh is gonna put the Freeze on any of that kind of thinking and have his Rebels ready to repel the rascal horses and turn them into nothing more than show ponies to be ridden at kiddie birthday parties.

It could be a close one for a while, but eventually Boise runs out of horsepower and the Rebels ride off into the sunset with their newly busted Broncos. Larry’s Loser – Boise State

Well that’s it for this week folks, let’s hope that the Pug and I have hit mid-season form early and are on track to to pick the lousy losers and miss the upset bug to get this season rolling in style.

So till next week, while it may be true that winning isn’t everything, it sure beats winding up on top of Larry’s Losers lists each week. Now let me go walk the dog, he’s had his legs crossed for the last hour here!

(Larry’s Losers in the SEC marks it’s tenth year this year and we hope you enjoy the colloquial humor and down home satire that we remembered from growing up listening to Leanord’s Losers back oh so many years ago. Rest in peace Leanord and know that still miss you.)