Larry’s Losers in the SEC – 2014 – Week 2
By: Larry Burton
Hello again folks and welcome to a week of the weak, yes it’s a real creme puff weekend and if me and the pigskin pickin’ pooch miss more than one game this weekend, we’ll be fit to be tied from lack of pride.
So with such a sloppy schedule of sucky scheduling ahead, let’s just jump in and make fun of poor have nots who come in to the SEC for a big paycheck and the obligatory thrashing for the check cashing.
Starting in the East
Eastern Michigan at Florida – I guess Will Mushcamp really wanted to be 2-0 to start the season or maybe Western Michigan had a scheduling conflict, but why else, other than a big check, would the Eastern Michigan Eagles, who won a blistering two games last season including a thrilling overtime win over Western Michigan 35-32, come to the swamp for a butt kicking.
I think just for sport, Muschamp should be a sport and dress out one of the tuba players from the marching band and let him score a touchdown to show his appreciation for all the marching band does for the team. This game could actually be easier than the one that got rained out.
As desperate as the Gator fans are for a winner, I’m sure they’ll a ton of tickets but this game will stink so bad for the non mud lizard legion that it won’t be watchable with so many other games to choose from. In a laugher, Larry’s Loser – Eastern Michigan
This Eagle had no business coming to the Swamp.
Georgia – The Bulldogs have the week off and still may play harder than some of these teams playing these patsies.
Ohio at Kentucky – The Ohio Bobcats come down to play in the cat box with the Mildcats of Kentucky. Now at least the Kentucky Kitties picked a patsy with a fighting chance of beating them, as the Bobcats went bowling last season and return a lot of talent from that team.
So with the chance of a David beating someone from from the Goliath conference, at least ESPNU jumped in to want to see if anyone else in the nation would be interested in this contest. But when it’s all over, this will be one of the few games that could make these Mildcats look at least a little wild and these terrible tabbies will finish the game with a 2-0 mark.
However for Kentucky, it may be the last victory of the season, so if you’re a Kentucky fan, don’t miss this game if you missed the first. Larry’s Loser – Ohio
Missouri at Toledo – Holy Toledo! How did tiny Toledo get a home game against a stellar team from the SEC? Now there’s something that won’t happen again. This stadium seats just over 26,000, so this is a lose – lose game for the men from Missouri. They’ll get no acclaim for winning and they’ll get no paycheck either.
Last season Florida sucked really big and still managed to beat this Toledo team by close to 20 points so how this game gets televised is beyond belief.
So if you have nothing better to do, tune in to watch these Toledo Rockets fail to launch and then be torn apart by the Tigers. Larry’s Loser – Toledo
The Tigers don’t just steal the Rockets own rocket too!
East Carolina at South Carolina – It’s schools like East Carolina that give geography teachers a fit, but these pack of Pirates won’t be giving these Carolina Cluckers any such fit.
These poor stealing sailors won’t be saying “Winner Winner Chicken Dinner” in this contest as this pack of pullets spur and peck this pack of Pirates to pieces in this party.
Instead of leaving with the South Carolina loot, these Pirates will be lucky to leave with their booty still attached. In another laugher, Larry’s Loser – East Carolina.
Arkansas State at Tennessee – The Red Wolves from Arkansas State come knocking at the door of Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, but unlike the three little pigs, these Volunteers will open the door and let them in because they know they can lick these big bad wolves.
But these Vols better not take this game as a typical creme puff game because these Red Wolves won eight games last year including a bowl win and they could test these Tennesseeans if the ball bounces the wrong way a time or two.
But in the end, the packed house of fans in orange can revel in being undefeated for one more week and then reality sets in. Larry’s Loser – Arkansas State
Wolf hats and accessories on sale after the game just outside the stadium.
Ole Miss at Vanderbilt – Last season these two teams played a game that with just one could’a or one shoud’a Vanderbilt wins this game over the Rebs and they have revenge on their mind this year when the two tussle in the commodores home stadium.
Now Vandy lost more than a few good players, they lost the coach that gave this team a spark as well. Now it’s time to see how big a difference these two things make as Ole Miss lost a few players from last year’s team but kept the coach.
This is the only game that Bacardi the Wonder Dog is nervous about because revenge and home field are both good reasons to pull off this upset, but in the end, logic says the best team wins. Larry’s loser – Vanderbilt
Now for the West
Florida Atlantic at Alabama – These wise old Owls are really feather heads for flying north for the fall and especially for landing in Tuscaloosa to take on the Tide.
Unless you’re just a die hard, dyed in Crimson fan, this is going to be one laughable contest that could only be watchable by guessing the number of number of first downs each team will make each quarter.
Nick Saban has said that the big boys should only play the big boys, but he’ll be happy to see his boys learn from the scrimmage game that this will turn out to be. Larry’s loser – Florida Atlantic
In a few months, the Owls will find out that Alabama had their way with more than just the football team.
Nichols State at Arkansas – After the pounding these piggies took last week in the second half, at least this pack of porkers have a good reason for scheduling a patsy this weekend and these Colonels from Thibodaux, Louisiana, (the place where the Mannings teach the passing academy) sure fit the bill.
Even a team that’s picked to finish in the bottom of the SEC West can prove that they’re not a bad team and these swine won’t salute these Colonels before or after they tusk them terribly.
But at least they’ll have a large check to show for the privilege of being pummeled by the porkers and hopefully they’ll be more digits on that check than bruises on each body. Larry’s loser – Nichols State
San Jose State at Auburn – Do you know the way to San Jose? Well you won’t need to if you’re Auburn, because this not a home and home but a come and get cash for letting us gash your team. (And only older folks will get the joke about knowing the way to San Jose, the younger ones can just Google it)
San Jose’s Spartans aren’t such a bad team and pegging them a creme puff may be rough, but when you match their talent up to Auburn’s, it does meet the criteria of a patsy game.
Auburn will rack up some impressive stats in this game fans and even sportswriters will be gushing over the numbers. But if Auburn thought last week’s game against Arkansas was what they can expect from their SEC schedule once they meet LSU, they got another thing coming, but for now the sailing seems pretty smooth. Larry’s loser – San Jose State
Sam Houston State at LSU – When you’re breaking in a new quarterback and trying to fine tune an offense, nothing is better than a scrimmage game by turning your man eating Tigers loose on some Bearcats, (whatever the heck those are).
So this is yet another laugher in the SEC version of scrimmage game weekend that lets these teams fine tune their lineups and schemes against poor little teams.
The only thing that will make this game interesting is guessing the amount of grass Les Miles will eat before the game. Larry’s loser – Sam Houston State
Just prior to kickoff, the Bearcats wave goodbye to their dignity.
UAB at Mississippi State – The Blazers come down to Starkvegas and hope to breathe enough fire to bake these Bulldogs, but Dan’s dog pound isn’t about to let these brimstone belchers give them the hot foot.
There was a time when this contest could have been close, but UAB hasn’t been that team for a while now, so the cowbell’s will clang and the helmets will bang but the outcome of this game was clear before the very first cheer.
So the Bulldogs will gain, the dragons get slain and UAB will have no pain, depositing the check they’ll get that is. Larry’s loser – UAB
Well that’s all the contests for this week in the old SEC and soon we’ll be past these cupcake games and start battling it out between one another on a regular basis and then old Bacardi and I will have to work harder to reach pigskin perfection. Till then, we hope that your team winds up on the opposite side of the loser’s list and that you enjoy every Saturday as well as every edition of Larry’s Losers in the SEC.
Larry’s Losers in the SEC has been irreverently having fun with the games of the SEC for more than 10 years. Pardon the colloquial language in irreverent humor of the column as it is meant in a non insulting way to the losers or other participants. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column, but some feelings might have been hurt along the way.
