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Larry’s Losers in The SEC – Cupcake Week 13

Welcome to cupcake week, the worst week of the season.

Larry’s Losers in The SEC – Cupcake Week 13

By: Larry Burton

Welcome to cupcake week in the SEC. This is the week where most SEC teams have a cupcake scheduled so they can have another week off to prepare for the last week of SEC play and rivalry week. With just two SEC against SEC games this week and only one that will be worth watching, this might be a good week to watch some other conferences and learn more about your future competitors come bowl time.

So this week we’re going to shorten up the reasons for the losers will lose because most of these games are just laughable. So let’s just jump right in, in order of kickoff times.

Eastern Kentucky at Florida – With two more games on the schedule and needing one more win to get them to a bowl, it looks like newly fired coach Wil Muschamp could have been coaching three more games instead of two as the Gators can’t possibly lose this game. But we heard he’s not staying around for the bowl game regardless.

But we can’t help but wonder if Muschamp takes the Mud Puppies to a win over Florida State next week, if they’ll regret putting him up against the firing squad if they go 8-5 and knock out the Noles. But we know he’ll capture these Kentucky Colonels. Larry’s loser – Eastern Kentucky

This Kentucky Colonel didn't win football games either.

This Kentucky Colonel didn’t win football games either.

Charleston Southern at Georgia – It’s not enough for the Dogs to keep winning, but they have to hope that someone else helps them out by mauling Missouri and getting them to the title game in Hotlanta. And while that that isn’t certain, the good news is that the Dogs will hold up their end and keep winning, especially in this game against these bumbling Buccaneers from Charleston.

While we won’t know for a few more weeks if the Dogs get to bark in the SEC Championship game, we do know that they’ll this one. Here’s where we REALLY find out what a nice guy Mark Richt is, because he COULD beat this team 88-O. Larry’s loser – Charleston Southern

South Alabama at South Carolina – Though it’s still a cupcake game, at least this one will have pretense of  being a good game if the Carolina Cluckers have a bad game and the Jaguars get jiggy. But for an upset to happen, these Cluckers would have to be real suckers and we don’t think that’s too likely.

So the Jags get their big paycheck, the Old Ball Coach gets his 6th win insuring a bowl game and the whole hen house will be happy. Larry’s losers – South Alabama

This Jaguar got smashed too, just like the ones from South Alabama.

This Jaguar got smashed too, just like the ones from South Alabama.

Ole Miss at Arkansas – Ole Miss’ coach Hugh is headed up to Hog Heaven and hopes to put the freeze on the Hogs winning streak in the SEC and he believes his Rebels have the musket power to pop the Pigs and preserve their playoff dreams for another week.

But Arkansas football coach Bielema’s Bovines know that if you can beat LSU you can roust the Rebels and since they’re coming to play in the Pig pen, the home cooking could do nothing but help them in their quest.

This is going to be the one of the best of only two good SEC contests this week and while the pigskin picking pooch and I both could see an upset in this one, we think the creme will rise to the top and the Rebels win a close one. Larry’s loser – Arkansas

And the SEC winning streak for the Hogs stops at one.

And the SEC winning streak for the Hogs stops at one.

Western Carolina at Alabama – The Catamounts make the trip to Tuscaloosa to show their players what a real football team and a real football stadium looks like. Well, that and to pick up a preposterous payday.

This week Nick Saban lets the water boys play a little too as they heal up from the last two wars and get ready for the ‘cross state Kitties. The sad thing is that Alabama may score more points than the Catamounts have fans in the stands. Larry’s loser – Western Carolina

Yes, the Bama fear the Cantomonts like they fear vanilla pudding.

Yes, the Bama fears the Catamounts like they fear vanilla pudding.


Samford at Auburn – The Bulldogs from Birmingham bus themselves down to play on the plains for a plenty big paycheck and a pounding and they’re sure to get both. Their only hope is that Auburn is still Bulldog shy.

And the wheels fell off the Gus bus completely last week as another set of Bulldogs bit the balls off the trembling Tigers and exposed them as merely playoff pretenders and not contenders, but Gus knows nothing helps re-build confidence better than beating up, belittling and bullying a little brother football team and that’s just what they’ll do. Larry’s loser – Samford 

Missouri at Tennessee – Remember when folks thought that Missouri was a bad pick for the SEC because they thought they’d never be any good in this league? Well Pinkel’s Pussycats on the verge of winning their second straight SEC East title and they just have to get by Tennessee and Arkansas to make that happen.

But Coach Butch Jones quote Lee Corso and says, “Not so fast my friend.” He hopes he can catch these Tigers counting their chickens before they hatch and hopes to sustain the scorching streak that he’s got going.

This game could go either way and the boys in Vegas say Tennessee is the favorite, but the Pug and I both see a champion rising to the occasion when it matters and beating back Butch’s boys back to the bottom. Larry’s loser – Tennessee

This week Smokey plays dead as well as the team.

This week Smokey plays dead as well as the team.

Vanderbilt at Mississippi State – And in the last cupcake game of the day, Vanderbilt has the unlucky draw to jump into a dog pen full of biting and barking mad bulldogs who are awful angry over a loss last week and aim to show the world that they are still a fabulous football team.

And they’ll do that by banging, bashing and biting these Song City Sailors till refs mercifully blow the last blast from their whistles. It’s going to be ugly and the only reason to watch this game will be to see how ugly. Larry’s loser – Vanderbilt

Unfortunately for Vandy, these were the most athletic people they brought to the game.

Unfortunately for Vandy, these were the most athletic people they brought to the game.

 

And that’s it for this week folks! I know there’s not a whole  plateful of good games this week, but next week we can all just feast up on all the football frivolities that follow. The Pug and I can hardly wait to how this whole season shakes out and until then, we wish you happy footballing and big plate full of turkey.

And for all those turkeys that wind up on Larry’s losers list, console yourself with cranberry and all the trimmings and remind yourself that there’s always next season.

 Larry’s Losers in the SEC has been irreverently having fun with the games of the SEC for more than 10 years. Pardon the colloquial language and irreverent humor of the column as it is meant in a non insulting way to the losers or other participants. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column, but some feelings might have been hurt along the way.

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