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Larry’s Losers in the SEC – Week Two – 2017

By: Larry Burton

Week one is in the books now and boy oh boy are we both scratching our heads. Me because I’m just confused and the pigskin pickin’ pooch maybe from fleas, but how can the Aggies lose a 36 point lead? That one sure stabbed us where it hurt and may have just cost coach Kevin his job down the road. We also missed Coach Boom pulling off the upset over his cousin Carolinian and we wrote up the article before a gaggle of Gators got grounded, so we missed three out of fourteen, a bad omen for the start of the season with a 79% accuracy rating. So it looks like we’ll have to pull a UCLA and make one heck of a comeback as the season goes on.

Just one crazy game was the difference between an 86 and a 79 on our opening test, but we’re gonna quit crying over spilled Aggie milk and get on with this week’s list of likely losers. To make matters worse, there’s some potential upsets in this week and a head scratcher we’ve been debating all week, but we finally have to accords on all our picks and we’re just gonna jump into it and look forward to more SEC on SEC battles soon and be done with these cupcake contests.

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky –  The Kentucky cousins of the Colonel clan come calling in the former Commonwealth Stadium now called Kroger Stadium when Eastern Kentucky tries to tame the Wildcats in front of the home fans.

But folks, this is just the first of the cupcake kickoffs and this game will only be entertaining if you’re a Wildcat fan enjoying seeing a good beat down.

So folks the Kentucky Colonels get a big check, get to be on television and get their butts beat. If that sounds entertaining to you, tune in to see that Larry’s loser is Eastern Kentucky.

UT Martin at Ole Miss – The Skyhawks from UT Martin come flapping South to Oxford to take on the rule breakin’ Rebels.

Now these feathered footballers are hoping to catch these Mississippians in misery over losing their coach and getting future sanctions and it’s not clear just how flat these boys in blue really are.

But no matter how many distractions these Rebels have raised, there’s still no way the lose this cupcake contest. Larry’s loser – UT Martin

 

Fresno State at Alabama – These West Coast Bulldogs come bumbling into Tuscaloosa with absolutely no misconceptions of why they showed up.

These California Canines showed up for a big check, some national TV exposure and a huge butt whipping.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, it just depends on how you look at it, they’ll get all three and that makes Larry’s loser – Fresno State.

TCU at Arkansas – The Horned Amphibians amble into Arkansas hoping to ambush a herd of Hogs and this could be a good contest because the Hogs haven’t been playing that well lately and this could be a down year for the Froggies.

That means that this could actually be a great little game and it will sure tell us where each team is headed as the season heats up. The boys in Lost Wages call this game almost a pick ’em and there are differing houses of wager that have picked both teams.

Bacardi the Wonder Dog reminds me when all else is equal go with the home team, especially if it’s an SEC team, so after a lot of head scratching, we’ll both go with that logic and make Larry’s loser TCU.

Indiana State at Tennessee – The Sycamores come down to Tennessee and try and plant root in Neyland Stadium and upset the Vols in front of a hundred thousand yelling yellow folks.

But that ain’t a good plan as the Vols have come prepared with lots of axes and they’re aiming to lay in a few chords of wood for the winter.

So you’ll hear a lot of “Rocky Top” in this cupcake contest and you’ll also hear a lot boys in yellow screaming, “Timber!” as the Sycamores fall. Larry’s loser – Indiana State

Alabama A&M at Vanderbilt – Some more Cupcake Canines come a calling on the Commodores, but these Bulldogs don’t seem ready for a fight against these Song City Sailors in their home waters.

This is another boring Bulldog playing in a cupcake classic to get that big check and their mugs on TV.

So that makes this another easy pick as Larry’s loser is sure to be Alabama A&M.

Auburn at Clemson – Boy oh Boy, finally a game worth watching and this is gonna be a Cat fight we’ll all be talking about for a while after the fur stops flying from the clash between these Clemson Kitties and their Cat cousins from Auburn.

Gus Malzahn is gonna pull out all the tricks in the bag in this game on offense and pray his defense can hold service a few times against that Orange Tabby offense.

But when in doubt, go with a champion at home instead of a wanna be on the road and while we’re sure it will be the week’s entertaining game, in the end it’s Dabo’s structure that beats Malzahn’s smoke and mirror trick show. Larry’s loser – Auburn

Nicholls at Texas A&M – These Cajun Colonels from Louisiana are hoping to hang a loss on these Aggies from Texas land, but they aren’t even going to get a salute in this contest as these cupcakes Colonels get creamed.

Any dreams of catching these Aggies with tears in the beers after last weeks monumental meltdown just ain’t gonna happen and there won’t be no comeback in this contest.

Now I know Coach Kevin has to get a certain number of wins this season, but clocking these Colonels shouldn’t count as one, but after last week’s fiasco he’ll take it and we’ll count it and that leaves Larry’s loser as Nicholls.

South Carolina at Missouri – Finally an SEC slugfest as the Carolina Cluckers mosey on over to Missouri for the most important game in the SEC East this week and we’re gonna find out if sharp claws can beat big peckers.

Both teams had impressive wins last week, but the Feathered Footballers from the Carolinas pulled off the biggest win by upsetting the favored NC State team. With Missouri a much smaller favorite, they think they can pull that trick off twice.

But might Mo’s score at will offense looks just too strong for these pullet peckerheads to stop and neither the pigskin pickin’ pooch or I see these Cluckers winning a track meet against a much faster Tiger. Larry’s loser – South Carolina

Chattanooga at LSU – These Moccasins get holes in their shoes as they come walking down to Cajun Country and by the time the get there, they’ll have more than their toes hanging out as the Cajun Kitties claw open holes in everything their wearing.

This is another cupcake crusade, but the caterwauling Cajuns won’t care as their beloved Tigers triumph once again and get their new head coach and beloved team off to a two and oh so nice start. Larry’s loser – Chattanooga

 

Georgia at Notre Dame – These red clay Hounds come a calling on the Catholics from the Golden Dome domain and we get to escape more cupcake clashes for a contest that will be a good reveal on what we can expect from both as the season goes on.

The boys in Lost Wages say that this game is where the Irish start being relevant again, but Bacardi the Wonder Dog thinks that every dog has his day and this is one of them.

While we think it could be a tough game, we still aren’t convinced the Irish are tough enough so that makes Larry’s loser – Notre Dame

North Colorado at Florida – These bumbling Bears come South to the Swamp to try and get a Gator and an upset win, but that’s a dream that’ll turn into a nightmare as this cupcake classic gets boring quickly as the reptiles repulse any real chance of contest here.

Last week the Gator coach wasn’t a McElwinner, but this week it won’t matter how many reptiles he has in time out as this midwest men melt down in the Florida heat and finally give the folks in the swamp something to cheer about. Larry’s loser – North Colorado

 

Mississippi State at Louisiana Tech – Another band of beleaguered Bulldogs come into this Mississippi pound to start the battle of the Bulldogs but if you think that this is a cupcake contest, you’d better not wager more than Monday’s lunch money on this battle.

Tech has a mighty good team and unless these muddy river state snappers chomp down on their Cajun canine cousins fast and hard, they could easily be the bunch of Bulldogs running home with their tail between their legs.

But relying on an expert in dog fights, my pigskin pickin’ pal here informs me that after watching both these teams the one from Mississippi has the bigger bite and will best boys the swamp country in the Bulldog battle. Larry’s loser – Louisiana Tech

Well folks, that’s it for this week’s woeful list of losers. We’re looking forward to getting into the meat of the SEC season and hopefully our success will start multiplying.

 

LARRY HAS BEEN PUBLISHED IN ALMOST EVERY MEDIA OUTLET FOR COLLEGE SPORTS AND NOW PRIMARILY WRITES HERE FOR TOUCHDOWN ALABAMA. HE WRITES IN A COLLOQUIAL AND IRREVERENT STYLE FOR THIS SERIES OF ARTICLES. LARRY’S VIEWS AND SENSE OF HUMOR MAY OFFEND, BUT HE AIMS TO OFFEND EVERYONE EQUALLY. IF HE HASN’T INSULTED YOUR FAVORITE TEAM WITH LARRY’S LOSERS, JUST WAIT. FOLLOW LARRY ON TWITTER FOR INSIDE THOUGHTS AND GAME TIME COMMENTS AT HTTPS://TWITTER.COM/LBSPORTSWRITER

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