Larry’s Losers in the SEC – Week 3 – 2014
By: Larry Burton
Well folks, if you aren’t intrigued with all the drama going on in the SEC so far this season, you just aren’t paying enough attention. Kenny Hill has the Aggies thinking Hotlanta is within reach, Alabama still ain’t got that swagger, LSU are the comeback kids and folks in Carolina country are wondering if the real Gamecocks will show up or act like hens and lay another egg this week.
Well, the old pigskin pickin’ pooch and I are ready to jump right into it and hope the upset bugs are biting less than the fleas on Bacardi the Wonder Dog and we’ll begin by jumping into the contests in the East.
Kentucky at Florida – Stoops stupid Mildcats meander into the scary scenery of the swamps and hope that the can catch these crocodile cousins catnapping and that will be the only way they get out alive, but not with the SEC win they want so bad.
Muschamp’s mud puppies are just chomping at the bit to get the SEC season and show the world that this ain’t last years gaggle of Gators and that this year’s team has a little more snap in their yap. So what better team to get off to an SEC start than these Kentucky Cat Show can’ts.
So while things are looking good for the Gators this week, they better not use up all their tricks because the Tide will be waiting on them in Tuscaloosa next week. Larry’s Loser – Kentucky
Georgia at South Carolina – Now folks, this is the game that could very well settle the East and it won’t matter that South Carolina got all plucked up by the Aggies earlier this season if they can pull off this one.
But Mark’s Mutt’s aren’t about to let their perfect season and shot at Hotlanta slip away by letting the Carolina Cluckers come in conquer these canines even they are defending the coop in Carolina.
Before the season started, most thought these chickens would fly the coop with a win in this contest, but what a difference a good plucking makes. Now South Carolina looks shaken not stirred and the Bulldogs look like some pretty bad boys. Larry’s loser – South Carolina
UCF at Missouri – The Golden Knights from Mickey Mouseville take a trip up to Missouri, but if they’re expecting a vacation and a trip to Branson, they’ve got another thing coming, they had their week off last week after just losing to Penn State the week before.
Now coach Gary Pinkel knows that these Knights can make any good team go nighty night if they get rolling and that this ain’t one of those directional schools that dot the state of Florida that show up for a paycheck and a butt whipping.
If this game is close, it isn’t because Missouri overlooked these metal clad marauders, it’s that these Knights are much better than the average fan knows. But in the end, these Tigers find a soft spot in the armor and inflict enough damage to come away with a win. Larry’s loser – UCF
Tennessee at Oklahoma – Butch Jones brings his band of ballers down to Oklahoma with hopes of catching these Sooners without enough horses to pull the wagon to Victoryville and hope because old Bob bopped the boys from Bama, this wagon train will take these Tennesseans too lightly.
Now Bacardi the Wonder Dog says he sees a tighter game than most people will think and sees this as the perfect trap game for Oklahoma to be caught off guard. While anything’s possible, I just don’t see it and think the flea spray finally affected his logic.
The Sooners should roll in this one, but I’m swayed that the boys in Vegas missed this one and that it could be closer than thought, but in the end the gavel falls where it should. Larry’s loser – Tennessee
U Mass at Vanderbilt – The Massachusetts Minutemen meander down to Song City and hope to keep the Commodores treading water as so far this season everyone’s blasted the boat out from underneath them.
The last time we picked Vandy to crush a creme puff we were shocked that they didn’t just lose, they got their anchors shoved up a place that the sun don’t shine. Then Ole Miss made an Old Mess out of that team, but this time they’ve got an opponent that should live up to their name and fold in a minute.
There isn’t many victories on the horizon for these nautical natives of Nashville, but this is one of them. If you’re an alumni, go see this game and then take a long vacation skipping the rest of the season. Larry’s loser – U Mass
Now for the West
Southern Miss at Alabama – Back in the Jeff Bower days, Southern Miss was the anybody, anytime team that not only took on the big boys, but often knocked them off and this is their second showing in the SEC so far this season. The SEC West’s Bulldogs bit ’em up and spit ’em out in a 49-0 rout and there ain’t much hope in it being prettier this weekend.
Nick Saban still isn’t happy with this pack of pachyderms and the offense still isn’t clicking as it could against terrific teams.
But fortunately this isn’t a terrific team and the Tide should have their way with these feather heads and send these Eagles home to Southern Miss in a fine Southern mess. Larry’s loser – Southern Miss
Arkansas at Texas Tech – Now here’s a question, can the worst team in the SEC West beat a team that’s down and out in the Big 12? Well that’s why we’re here.
The Red Raiders hope to ride into their home stadium and lasso a hog for a down home barbeque while the Hogs plan on letting these cowpokes be red with embarrassment from the tusking they’re going to give and prove to the home folks that this bunch is all hat and no hog.
The boys in Vegas say that this is gonna be a tight one with the nod to the team from Texas, but when the final whistle blows, the hogs will show the worst team in the SEC West is still better than a middle of road Big 12 team. Larry’s Loser – Texas Tech
Auburn gets the week off
University of Louisiana at Monroe at LSU – Les Miles and his band of Bayou Bengals entertain the poor cousins from down the road. Now these Warhawks think they have a fighting chance to come in and stage an upset, but these boys will play much more like Snorehawks.
Les Miles has his team believing in themselves right now and this contest can do nothing but build the confidence they have in one another.
When it’s over they’ll be enough plucked feathers to build these Tigers a new feather bed and what’s left of the flock will limp, not fly back up the road after this one, but they’ll have a big paycheck to comfort them. Larry’s loser – ULM
Mississippi State at South Alabama – Joey Jones is going to open up the kitty condo in Mobile and invite a bunch of Bulldogs down for a Saturday afternoon swaray and hopes the Jaguars will be up to the task to taking them down.
But Dan’s Doggies aren’t going to let a bunch of Sun Belt Kitties scratch them up and hurt their season.
Mullen’s Mutts will chew some butts and this will be a kitty catastrophe from start to finish and the Bulldogs will spend more time in the shower after the game than they did worrying about this cat fight. Larry’s loser – South Alabama
UL Lafayette at Ole Miss – One of those directional schools comes in to Oxford and hope to write more history of upsetting a SEC team. These Ragin’ Cajuns think they can hang with the SEC boys and that’s quite a thought.
But coach Hugh is going to put the freeze on those plans and the Rebels are going to give this team just the same kind of butt kicking they’ve handed out to everyone so far this season.
These Cajuns couldn’t even rage against another poor cousin school from some back wood bayou town when Louisiana Tech took them to the wood shed. There will be more of the same this weeks. Larry’s Loser – UL Lafayette
Rice at Texas A&M – This ain’t Harry Potter’s Owl, but the Rice Owls still expect a little magic when they go and visit College Station to take on the Aggienaughts who are flying sky high right now.
But coach Kevin and about to let these boys stumble or bumble on the this one and he wants to poor cousin Texans to just be more cannon fodder for football season.
It won’t be pretty, but it will be interesting to see if the Aggie defense can own these Owls and keep them from the end zone. Larry’s losers – Rice
And that’s it for this week folks. The pigskin pickin’ pooch and I are with the Mrs. for a while on a little holiday that will involve some cruising, some snoozing and maybe some boozing, so I’ll already be excusing myself from some of my duties for the next two weeks. But you can count on Larry’s Losers to be back next week unless the cruise ship sinks and the dog’s done told me without me, the picking could get better and the column will be named, “Bacardi’s Brokenhearted”.
Humility is not the dog’s strong suit, but I digress, have a good weekend and lay in your particular pantry party pleasers to make the game even more enjoyable and may the worst team lose.
Larry’s Losers in the SEC has been irreverently having fun with the games of the SEC for more than 10 years. Pardon the colloquial language in irreverent humor of the column as it is meant in a non insulting way to the losers or other participants. No animals were harmed in the writing of this column, but some feelings might have been hurt along the way.